>> Harry von Zee: Welcome to the Chaffey College Radio Show,
the Golden Age of Radio, live from Cucamonga.
Good evening across America.
We've got a great show for you tonight with swing music,
lots of laughs, and a little trip
to the spooky side of the dial.
Swan Soap brings the best to radio every night.
[ Singing ]
>> Swan Soap, feels so right.
Swan Soap, suds so light.
Swan Soap, the soap that floats.
>> Jerry LaRence: Tonight's line up is an all-star cavalcade full
of silly stories, swinging songs and scary sagas,
starting with George Burns and Gracie Allen.
[ Applause ]
Tonight's show gives us Gracie's unique perspective
on the way the money, Frankie
and Pat Aranda Orchestra will have all you ladies swooning
with Frank's crooning.
>> [multiple speakers]: Oh Frankie.
>> Jerry LaRence: And the Inner sanctum will send shivers
down your spine.
>> Harry von Zee: Sponsored by Swan Soap.
Gracie helps George fill out their income tax forms.
>> Jerry LaRence: Well, George Burns is one of the millions
of taxpayers who has up until midnight tonight
to file an income tax return,
which explains the tense situation as we look
in at the Burns' home.
>> George: Let's see.
Figuring our income tax using California's community property
law --
>> Gracie: What now, George?
>> George: Oh, community property.
It's a California law that says half of what I got is yours
and half of what you got is mine.
>> Gracie: Oh.
Then how come I only get a quarter of the money we make?
>> George: That's just how it works out.
>> Gracie: Hm.
>> George: Here.
Here, I'll show you.
I have a dollar in change.
Okay. So half of what I got is yours.
>> Gracie: Fifty cents.
>> George: Now half of what you got is mine.
How much you got there?
>> Gracie: Fifty cents.
>> George: Half of it is mine.
Hand it over.
There. See how it works.
>> Gracie: I see who it works.
Now let's try that again.
This time I'll start with the dollar.
>> George: Okay.
>> Gracie: Now half of what I've got is yours.
Here's fifty cents.
>> George: Why, thank you.
>> Gracie: And ha -- how does the second part go?
>> George: Half of what you got is mine.
How much you got there?
>> Gracie: Fifty cents.
>> George: Well, hand it over.
Half of it's mine.
>> Gracie: You're right, George.
It comes out the same way no matter how you do it.
>> George: Say goodnight, Gracie.
>> Gracie: Goodnight, Gracie.
[ Applause ]
>> Harry von Zee: Remember, Swan Soap is the soap that floats.
>> Jerry LaRence: Those two are a real hoot.
Gracie has a different view of the world,
and that George is one slick cat.
>. Harry von Zee: They are a funny duo,
always good for a light moment, like Swan Soap, light and right
and the soap that floats.
>> Jerry LaRence: Smokes, butts, the squares, cigs, ciggies,
stogs, stogies, tabs, backwards bogies, gorts,
willigie, willy-dillies, darts.
These are all nicknames for what, Harry?
>> Harry von Zee: Your past girlfriends.
>> Jerry LaRence: No.
No. Cigarettes?
So let's hear about that sweet rush of a good cigarette.
>> Dr. Snacoyle: Salutations.
>> Cigar-Ette #1: We're your favorite shin-cracking trio.
>> Cigar-Ette #2: The Cigar-Ettes.
>> Cigar-Ette #3: Here to tell you about Cigaresque,
the cigarette for ladies.
>> Cigar-Ette #1: Now with the pack a day that once, twice,
thrice filter that doctors recommend
for three times the purity.
>> Cigar-Ette #2: So you get none
of the risk and all the risquÈ..
>> Cigar-Ette #3: That's why Cigaresque is lipstick's
best friend.
>> Cigar-Ette #1: We're not just blowing smoke here, honeys.
Take it from our well-paid team
of America's top formerly licensed doctors.
>> Dr. Snacoyle: Hi.
I'm alleged Dr. Steven Snacoyle.
I have to say alleged for legal reasons, but don't worry.
I earned my PhD in medical science from [static]
and was honored with the 1946 Real Doctor
of the Year Award from [static].
Did you know in a study conducted somewhere
at some time, four out of five doctors agreed
that smoking cigarettes is bad for you?
Well, I'm the fifth doctor and I disagree,
but the medical community keeps stifling my research.
In my studies, every woman who smoked a pack
of cigarettes got horribly sick with life-altering damage
to the their lungs and mental faculties,
because they are being covertly poisoned by those
who want to squash the facts.
What are they trying to hide?
>> Cigar-Ette #2: Sounds like tomfoolery to me.
>> Dr. Snacoyle: Just like how inhaling car exhaust can give
your body horsepower, inhaling Cigaresque smoke will give you
human power.
>> Cigar-Ette #3: Tell me about it.
My Pilates instructor wants me to feel the burn and boy,
do I feel it every time I take a breath.
>> Cigar-Ette #1: I had a pack today already
and now I can't remember how I got here.
That's one less thing to worry about.
>> Cigar-Ette #2: Thanks to Cigaresque patented once, twice,
thrice filter, I'll never breathe easier again.
>> Cigar-Ette #3: Hit it, Maestro.
[ Singing ]
>> Cigar-Ettes: Once, You try Cigaresque, you'll see.
It's twice as nice as the rest, indeed.
Thrice a day my doctor recommends for me.
A puff or two from us to you will make you feel like a lady.
[ Applause ]
>> Jerry LaRence: Hey cats and kittens,
get ready for the big swing of Pat Aranda and his orchestra.
The boys in the band are frisking the whiskers and are
about ready to lay it down.
>> Harry von Zee: Wait, wait.
Frisking the what?
>> Jerry LaRence: Pat Aranda and his orchestra.
[ Applause ]
[ Music ]
[ Applause ]
The amazing Pat Aranda and his orchestra.
Those cats really can swing, and of course,
Frankie's got the croon that you ladies all swoon for.
>> [multiple speakers]: Oh, Frankie.
[women fainting]
>> Jerry LaRence: Get on those silk stockings
and get ready to cut a rug.
>> Harry von Zee: Yeah, man.
And now for a quick word from our sponsor.
>> Customer: Oh, for Pete's sake.
I just paid a fortune to get my truck fixed at the dealership
and she's already busted again.
>> Aly: That's one crunchy pickle you're in,
ain't it, Mister?
>> Customer: Yes, Ma'am.
>> Olly: You must feel like you're driving straight
into a money pit every day.
>> Customer: Yes, sir.
>> Aly: Hey there, listeners.
I'm Aly.
>> Olly: And I'm Olly.
We're the proprietors of Aly & Olly's Auto Repair & Donuts,
serving the Orange Empire with expert truck and tractor work,
homemade donuts and the only public restroom
in a 15 mile radius.
>> Aly: For three generations,
our independent garage has provided the best automobile
repair for local family farmers and soap fabricators.
Our history goes back further than Olly's hairline.
>> Customer: Can you tell me why my truck died so soon
after shelling out for a fix?
>> Aly: That's just what happens when you go
to a stealership, you llama Larry.
>> Olly: The big name lots will sell you a lemon
and then squeeze you like one with needless repairs,
and their work speaks for itself,
with nothing good to say.
>> Aly: Only Aly & Olly's can guarantee the job will be done
right for the lowest price.
>> Customer: Say, could you help me even
if my automobile is stuck here out in the sticks?
>> Olly: Our mobile service trucks can meet you almost
anywhere in San Bernardino County,
south of the San Gabriel Mountains,
from Santa Ana del Chino to Bryn Mawr.
>> Customer: Say, if you guys are so great,
how come I've never heard of you before?
>> Olly: We keep our prices so low
because we never waste money on advertisements.
No billboards, flyers, or magazine spreads.
This one is our first and last so let's just go ahead
and all our potential taglines out of the way.
>> Aly: Aly & Olly's Auto Repair & Donuts,
clean work, dirt cheap.
>> Olly: When your brakes break,
you need a break, not a headache.
>> Aly: Oil change?
More like pocket change.
>> Olly: Other mechanics are sloppy,
so let Aly & Olly take care of your jalopy.
>> Aly: Drive in, have a sprinkle, have a tinkle
and drive out with nary a winkle.
>> Olly: Well the minute-and-a-half we paid
for is just about up, so remember, I'm Olly.
>> Aly: And I'm Aly.
>> Olly: From Aly & Olly's Auto Repair & Donuts in Fontana,
where Route 66 meets Cherry Avenue.
>> Customer: How about one more tagline for the road?
>> Aly: You've got it, mister.
How's this one?
We can fix your differential and essential repair
of eventual wear with a cost that is circumstantial,
so check a residential referential to get a reference
for the difference in cost and assistance.
Whew.
>> Olly: Maybe we should stick with a shorter one.
>> Customer: How about transmission accomplished?
>> Olly: Sounds better to me.
>> Aly: Well, then have it your way, you llama Larry.
[ Car Engine Noise ]
[ Applause ]
[ Singing ]
>> Frankie: It had to be you.
It had to be you.
I wandered around, and I finally found the somebody
who could make me true, could make me be blue
and even be glad just to be sad thinking of you.
Some others I've seen, might never be mean,
might never be cross, or try to be boss, but they wouldn't do.
For nobody else, thrill,
with all your faults, I love you still.
It had to be you.
Wonderful you.
It had to be you.
[ Music ]
>> Frankie: Oh others I've seen might never be mean,
I'd never be crossed or try to be bossed,
but they wouldn't do.For nobody else, thrill,
with all your faults, I love you still.
It had to be you.
Wonderful you.
It had to be you.
Wonderful you.
It had to be you.
[ Applause ]
>> Jerry LaRence: The smooth, velvet voice of Frankie.
[ Applause ]
>> Harry von Zee: But wait.
There's more.
>> Jerry LaRence: What's that creeping up behind you?
>> Harry von Zee: Can you hear the door creak open?
>> Jerry LaRence: Are you lost in a dark and unfamiliar place?
>> Harry von Zee: Or have you entered into The Inner Sanctum?
>> Raymond: This is Raymond with a word of warning.
If during tonight's broadcast, you look up
and find a little spook sitting
on your chair, don't be surprised.
All little spooks listen to our program to keep
up with the latest techniques in haunting.
Isn't that true, Mary?
>> Mary: Indeed, it is, Mr. Raymond.
>> Raymond: Yes, and the thoughtful listener might enjoy
Cigaresque, one for himself and one for any spectral visitors
that might drop in during the show.
It's so refreshing, it could bring the dead back to life.
>> Mary: Oh, dear, Mr. Raymond.
Cigaresque don't revive people, at least, not like you think.
Of course, lots of people do find
that Cigaresque make their day seem brighter.
Yes, it sort of helps them through the housework to sit
down between meals now and then as well as at dinner and supper
and enjoy Cigaresque, and the reason why Cigaresque are
so refreshing is because of that one little word.
Cigaresque, it's never flat or wishy-washy.
So folks, ask your local grocers for Cigaresque.
You just don't know how good a smoke can be,
until you've tried Cigaresque.
>> Raymond: Yes.
And when you leave your grocer,
step into the music shop next door,
and ask him if he's heard the tale of what happened
to that world famous pianist Pat Aranda.
Or better yet, turn the lights
down low now and let me tell you.
Gather 'round and let's listen to D'Anthony Boyd in the role
of Martin Karoly [phonetic].
It's a stormy night in March.
In this Connecticut home, Martin Karoly,
world-famous concert pianist, lies in his bed, tossing.
>> Martin: I can feel him.
There. Again.
>> Helen: Again.
>> Martin: Voice.
>> Horla: Voice.
>> Martin: Am I asleep or awake?
>> Horla: Awake.
>> Martin: Why can't I move my arms?
>> Horla: Arms.
>> Martin: I want to move them but I can't.
>> Horla: Can't.
>> Martin: Why?
>> Horla: Why.
>> Martin: Who are you?
>> Horla: You.
>> Martin: Why don't you leave me alone?
>> Horla: Alone.
>> Martin: Why do you torture me?
>> Horla: Me?
>> Martin: He's at my throat, sucking my blood.
>> Horla: Blood.
>> Martin: Make me helpless.
>> Horla: Helpless
>> Martin: I'm weak.
Let me go, I tell you.
Let me go.
>> Horla: I'm [inaudible].
I must. I must.
>> Martin: Ahhh.
I must be awake.
He's gone.
>> Helen: Martin.
Martin, open the door.
It's Helen.
Martin, are you all right?
>> Martin: Of course, Helen.
>> Helen: Your face is white.
>> Martin: I'm all right, I tell you.
>> Helen: Martin.
>> Martin: I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to shout.
>> Helen: You knocked over your night table.
>> Martin: I tossed in my sleep.
The crash startled me.
That's when I cried out.
>> Helen: You haven't been the same ever since you returned
from your South American tour.
Why don't you tell me what's wrong?
>> Martin: Helen, please go to your room.
Don't worry about me.
>> Helen: But Martin --
>> Martin: Please just do as I ask.
>> Helen: Very well.
>> Martin: Helen, try to understand.
I don't mean to be angry with you.
>> Helen: That's not what hurt me, Martin.
It's that you don't want to tell me what's troubling you.
>> Martin: Nothing's troubling me.
My nerves on edge.
Goodnight, Helen.
>> Helen: Goodnight.
>> Martin: How could I tell her?
How could I tell anyone about this being
that is sucking the life out of me,
this being that is ruining my talent as a vision,
and it hunts me in sleep, this being that is urging me
to destroy instead of create,
this being that is urging me to kill?
>> Raymond: Did you find a little spook sitting
on the arm of your chair?
I warned you, right Mary?
>> Mary: Indeed, you did, Mr. Raymond.
>> Raymond: Tune in next week to find out if Horla comes back
to finish Martin off, or is Horla in Martin's imagination?
Or has Martin entered into The Inner Sanctum?
>> Harry von Zee: I don't know about you but I'm going to sleep
with one eye open tonight.
>> Jerry LaRence: Sleep?
>> Harry von Zee: Well, looks like we've reached
that time say goodbye to our clicky cat.
>> Jerry LaRence: A special thanks to our guests and to you,
our faithful listeners.
Tune in next Wednesday, April 21st at 5 p.m. for more
of Chaffey College Radio Show, The Golden Age
of Radio, live from Cucamonga.
Goodnight.
>> Harry von Zee: Goodnight.
[ Music ]